I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
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Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
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Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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