I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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