Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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