mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
