Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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