After last night, I could never be a politician.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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