Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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