I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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