My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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