i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Floor bacon is actually really good
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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