She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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