We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
