Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
