When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
