I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wish I only lived at night.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
