Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
