even my farts smell like vagina
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
