If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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