My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
