soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
