I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
