I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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