I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
