Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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