did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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