Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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