***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
