I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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