Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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