I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
