Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just googled if crying burns calories
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
