He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
