There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
