everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
