My underwear smells like fireworks.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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