Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I will pee on everything he values.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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