I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
