I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
