I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
