Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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