my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
