Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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