so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
