Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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