He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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