i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
