Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
