if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
