apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
