he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
