do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
True strength comes from lack of pants
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
