I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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